“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
You Might Also Like
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor