Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
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To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer