At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
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Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
two people or more is called a problem
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards