When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
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I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo