I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
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Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
*seductively corrects your posture*
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel