Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
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Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine