Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: š®
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me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? Thatās perfect. I actually need 4000 people
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isnāt that weird at allāuntil you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: Itās Abby
Therapist: Thatās what you think
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isnāt a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Iāve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said āSo itās like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cakeā and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
I have the āLuck of the Irish!ā Unfortunately itās the āGreat Potato Famineā era āLuck of the Irishā.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk ā¦..
That is the Aldiās experience
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because Iād really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids