I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
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If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
*launders Kohls cash*
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂