I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
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I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
can’t talk my ride’s here
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”