My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
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Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
is this how new cars are made??
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.