when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
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Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”