A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
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Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
pep talk
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton