genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
You Might Also Like
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
When he asks for feet pics
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.