My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
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Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)