16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
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The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match