“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
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Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.