In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
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Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
I got soap in my shower beer again.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.