Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
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I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.