Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
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5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
The point of your 20s
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*