[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
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[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.