Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
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I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?