AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
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@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.