“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
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Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc