I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
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Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
When you kidnap a writer.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Catering service
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.