GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
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Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
black phone good
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.