It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
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Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
no such thing as a dumb question
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex