[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
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*ernest hemingway voice*
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
you stereotypes are all alike
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home