Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
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At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Lmao 🤣
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
“I wouldn’t.”
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle