Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
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Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
next question.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
My neck, my back, my…
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.