me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
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HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.