A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
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[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
oh no, steve’s working tonight
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?