It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
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*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
🙂🙃🥹
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.