Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
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Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago