It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
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Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
HERE’S MARKY
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no