That’s no pocket rocket.
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I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.