Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
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ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’