I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
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All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
why isn’t thunder called soundning
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.