Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
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Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
This took me a second..
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?