On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
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my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
War & Peace
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?