Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
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I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?