This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
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You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.