it is time once again
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70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him