If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
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“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.