You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
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I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
🌱🌱🌱
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.