The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
You Might Also Like
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Strange
Labreador
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do