[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
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“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Owl Sanctuary
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read