Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
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Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.