If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
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Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
i think we should see other cousins
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.