Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
You Might Also Like
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
being a writer on Twitter: