If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
You Might Also Like
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats